Monday, September 1, 2014

The Law of Compensation?

The Law of Compensation?
(…or, ‘Normal vs. Abnormal Behavior’) 

One generation succeeds another, and to each one, each one seems to have its own certain idiosyncrasies, character blind spots, ravines that remain infinite and unbridgeable.
       This may sound a tinge self-pitying but it isn’t meant to be, it is meant to strike a match to the unlit candle, of normal and abnormal behavior.
       I paid foster home care, one third of my pay check to the foster home, and one third of my check for their hospital insurance leaving me after taxes $100-dollars for nine-years; I paid this so the foster parents would love my children, threat them kindly: they never sent back the checks, they never paid for their food, I did, but this of course, was the law of compensation, my children hated me for leaving them in such a situation, — and loved the foster parents all the more: this was my compensation for drinking too much, too long, for not finding a good paying job back in those far-off days, where there wasn’t any full time jobs available for a recovering drunk; my ex-wife hospitalized, more often than not, with emotional problems. And here now they were adults, never did it rise to any interest or effort on their behalf to recognize their parents as parents. It was squashed, like a tomato. It was stifling. 
     They were not even scarcely conscious of respectful feelings, as they have taught their children to react likewise, similar to the revengefulness their mother taught them: to use their children as weapons, shields against their grandparents.  I, myself was in an orphanage for four years, because my mother couldn’t afford to take care of me and my brother, while she worked, as a meatpacker for Swift’s Meats.  And my mother likewise was in an orphanage because of her father who had come over from Russia and when his wife died at age thirty-three, it caused a hardship, and he went off to WWI.  No one was mad at anyone for such hardships, disappointed perhaps, but the whole family never split up because of it. But this new generation, evidently is, so I ponder; or a good portion of it. 
       So the children held their grudges firm, and went about living without knowing their father, now adults. Grizzled men and women, for I had a daughter also: like to like, same to same as her brothers. And I remained discreet in the background, not to cause trouble; knowing they will learn in time, what only time can teach them. Plus, why go where you are not welcome.
        I had bought a house for them once; the renters burnt it down, before I could move the children in it. What could I do? What did they want, to prostrate me, for a wrong I never did: it was never abandonment, it was misfortune, and those checks I sent, were cashed monthly. And as for the insurance, the foster care parents could pick out nearly any hospital or clinic in the cities.
        Oh well,  with my children’s scanty eyes always trying to make me pay, or walk lightly on eggshells, again I say, I left well enough alone.
       Myself, not having a father, how I wondered could they so easily throw one away.  I would have given my right leg, eye, arm, you name it, I would have given it, I do believe, even if I could only have seen my father at his beckoning call, whenever. I did see my father once from a distance, and I still cherish it.
       Well, as I was about to bring out, so there is a law of compensation involved here: that drinking always has—sooner or later—its price to pay. And I saw by not causing trouble, staying my distance, going away, as I have, becoming as good man in my own right, I didn’t need anyone to tell me this, I am who I am, and I am who I became, good man: I was hoping  their children would judge them as they have me, for they have committed the same sins as I: but then I said, ‘No’ it would not be a good man to wish such a horrid thing upon them, and I withdrew the curse.
       I suppose if any good has come out of this, it is that they leave me alone, in peace, and don’t have any more expectations. I have learned you don’t need to give a person a reason to hate, they will if they want to; and to be honest, when you have expectations, get rid of them for other people, they cannot live up to your prospects, you are doing an injustice to them and yourself.

March, 2014 (reedited September, 2014)