The Drunk and Depression
In 1984, I had stopped drinking
I stirred in my recovery
It was reasonable, to be expected!
At eight years sobriety, I bought a pin.
And for a decade I was planning!
In 1994, I had heart surgery
With love and dread, I had given my
Silent goodbyes. But I had survived!
Leaving the hospital I had not spoken
Much, — as if my brain-stem was dead, I
Had had a stroke on the operating
Table, two heart attacks to boot
Before that — Hence, I had beat the
Odds, but there was recovery yet!...
And then in 1996, I acquired
Multiple Sclerosis: forgetting
This and that, every other minute—
My spine twisted like a corkscrew
To a painful end…dropping my fork
And spoons and sleeping endlessly!
I grinned a lot back then, and then
Hidden in the bathroom, coiled like an
Embryo, the pain diminished; if only
I could have ordered a new spine, a
Transplant that would never bend!
I became quite irritable—yes the soul
And the mind survives death, but in such
Cases you always feel like you’re dying!
One’s pain is so bad one vomits in delirium.
Nonetheless, I survived it all, and was
Recovered from alcohol, with just
One slip, or a year’s relapse, as they
Call it: it makes one feel odd! It would be
One year out of thirty-one! The second year
To be exact, and then I had to start my
Sobriety over again…
—you become more vulnerable
To depression, trying to balance
Want to do all the things you never did!
Your new body needs, new body strength!
Clearer thoughts, regimentation, peace!
Then when my mother died, in 2003;
We, my brother and I cremated her:
Now but ashes in a wooden urn…
Like daffodils, on a peony hill!
She laid as pallid gray ash— and I, I
Now went into that dark place,
Where humanism is marred, I’m a
Mechanism for spiral thoughts, a
Suicidal potential blood clot!
All stemming from alcoholism…
Mood swings: like feet on winters
Icy sleet: like a wave gray at sea!
That was me, it is me—an endless
Semicolon; …
No: 4528
(8-20-2014)
